"What do you do?"
It's a question that is usually always asked when you first meet.
It is the default question, the one I'm never sure how to answer.
It is still considered rude in some places, but here it is as common as offering your name and your hand.
What do I say? I'm an actor? Singer? Voice-over actor? Performer? What I do encompasses so much, that it is hard to label it so simply. And I must admit, the connotation of quotations-actor-end-quotations was so distasteful to me for a long time because had become synonymous with flaky, flighty, drama queen. It still is, I suppose, but I try to embrace the other more creative and positive (and non-pretentious) aspects of this career.
And career is the word. I have the greatest respect for those who are always looking for ways to challenge and improve their craft. And who look at it as a business. There is a huge difference between those for whom the arts is a job, and those who use it as a lifestyle. And it is the latter that (in my humble opinion) ruin it for the rest of us.
It's rare that I have the time, or frankly, the ambition or interest, to sit through a play. Usually if I go it's because someone I know is in it and I want to show my support. Recently I did venture out- a friend was in town with a show, and I went for both reasons I've just sited. Incidentally, the show was quite good, but the pre-show was dead annoying. And by pre-show, I mean, ticket line up. Inevitably there are some "theatre-types" at a show, talking loudly in the lobby about whatever projects on which they are working. Or giving their critique of some performance. Or simply just "performing".
There are certain bars or cafe's frequented by this kind of person, and I will avoid them like a cat avoids a bath. Just sitting within sight and earshot of these posers can send me into a blind rage, and they are the reason I am so reluctant to say what I do. Sometimes I must fight the urge to offer them money, and suggest they use it to buy a big bucket of "Shake Your Fucking Head".
There are usually a few options to the reactions that I get when people find out what I do.
Sometimes there is a simple "ah", although such a small word can be so heavy with judgment, as in "ah, you don't have a real job". Sometimes people think it is quite glamorous. They are the ones who will ask a bag full of questions bordering on intrusive. I don't like to discuss the particulars of my work, and try to find ways to avoid the inquiry. There have been times in the past when someone has asked me what I do,and I instantly answered "massage therapist". Or, if I'm feeling sassy, "secret agent".
So if I feel this way, if I can't openly discuss my career, why do I do it?
Sometimes I blame my lack of math skills. My inability to work with numbers has foiled my chances of becoming a doctor. Well, that, and my lack of interest in that field. (Although, in high school, I did think I might want to be an oceanographer, but that may have only been an extension of my love of swimming and being near the water. )
I come from a family of linear thinkers- scientific, logical, able to figure out angles and gazinta's, take things apart and put them back together. Sure, no one else can sing or perform, but let's face it, what I do is not earth shattering. It does not save lives. And yet it is all I know. And ultimately, broken down in its basic form, it is what I love.
I've always said I am the most reluctant performer. I don't want attention. Applause sometimes embarrasses me. I am extremely private, and yet I have chosen the most public of careers.
Bob Dylan once said "At times in my life the only place I have been happy is when I am on stage." This I understand. An empty stage can be exhilarating, filled with so much possibility.
I love the language, thought, the process, the creating.
I love the challenge of becoming someone else, and making others believe it. I like finding subtleties that no one would have thought to find, and being better than I was the last time I did it, even if it is just to me.
Singing is completely the opposite, unless of course its a character song in a musical. But otherwise, expressing myself in this manner opens me up, brings out the true me. It is like finding my voice every time. I think that singing is something that everyone secretly wants to do, and yet finds it the most terrifying, because you are truly yourself at that moment.
I know this is why I do it.
And I do it because it is what I know.
I just don't need to discuss it with strangers.
