No matter how long I've been doing this, no matter how many times I do it now, I can never, never get over the absolute horror of auditioning.
It happens the same way every time-
I wake up feeling sick. I think "I'm not going. I'm not doing this. I'm not putting myself through this again."
I run through the possible scenario's, play pro's and con's- what is the worst that can happen? why should I do this? And this is all before I get out of bed.
Eventually I talk myself down. Sort of.
That is to say, I keep talking myself down as I shower, as I moisturize, as I dress. The whole time I'm applying make-up, I'm telling myself not to bother, because I'm not going. My body fights with itself- I become sleepy, my belly feels sick. And my mind keeps trying to be the boss of me, telling me to crawl back under the covers.
But my hands and feet ignore it all. My fingers dress me- pull on pants, do up buttons, lace up shoes. My legs carry me and my feet are on a mission.
Every step becomes a march. Every left. Right. Left. Right. GO. HOME. GO. HOME.
But my body keeps walking as my stomach keeps churning and my lower intestine is threatening to turn to liquid any minute.
It happens with any audition, whether voice-over, film, or stage. For me, the worst of those is stage. There is that awkwardness of "acting" in front of one or two people.
Auditions always run long, so you rarely get in at the time you were originally given. In some ways, that's good; you have time to get centered and prepared. But in other ways it's bad because you have time to think. And that's never good. I think I am blank. I think I don't remember the lines. I think my mouth is too dry.
Then I get in there and I am soaked. I imagine I must look a mess and try to put it out of my mind. Whenever I get to choose the piece, I find it best to aim for someone strung out, rather than put together, so that I look the part and make my shvitzing work in my favor.
I have learned that most auditions take time, with dialogue between the auditioner and the auditionee. When I finish my monologue, and I hear "that was great, thank you- we don't need you to read any more", I know it doesn't mean "that was great and we don't need to see any more because we know that there's nothing for you in this show". I don't take it personally.
A friend of mine once said "I go to more auditions than actual jobs". Strangely, that comforted me, because this person is well respected and always working. I guess my point is, we all have similar insecure reactions to this process in some way.
Usually someone who knows I was going to audition will ask at some point "how did it go?" and I have no idea.
The only thing I can go on is this: if I didn't shit myself, vomit or pass out, the audition was a success.
So, I guess, so far, so good.
