oh my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch

Sometimes you don't realize how noisy it is until you finally find the silence.
Sometimes you don't know how much you miss something until you get it back.
Or in my case, stand beside it again.


It has been months since I have been to the beach and I miss it.
I don't think I realized how much until I stood there yesterday.
Despite the rainy snow and snowy rain, it was glorious.


There is a certain smell of the air, and a certain feel on my skin that I cannot describe, but it brings me very close to tears.
It's as like  every pore, every cell has been thirsting, and you don't even know until you take a drink.

And so I stood, at the edge of the ocean, drinking it in through sight, smell, skin.
This is my center, my prayer, my church, my meditation.
This is my home.

All is right with the world.

Conrad Beach, Nova Scotia on March 2, 2013

if the only thing between you and everbody else is a thin layer of gabardine...

It must be laundry day.

and I was like, hell yeah!

evolution

I've always written.
There are dairies from childhood and journals of teen angst and volumes that chronicle my journey.

There are articles that have been commissioned, sold and published. It has been a part of making a living.

There are so many files, folders, scraps of paper, note books of unfinished works. An entire book of short stories splintered off from an unfinished novel with too many points of view. 

In the past, when someone asked me what I do, I have often struggled with the label. I had it down to "I work in the arts and entertainment industry", which seemed a broad enough umbrella. Depending on the context or capacity in which I was working at the time,  I have confidently broken it down to "actor", "singer",  "director" or  even, at times "I write".  But have never said the words "I am a writer"

It always seemed rather fraudulent to wear that mantle when I didn't spend all my time working on it. I know writers, I know the dedication they have to the craft. In my case writing, or creative writing at least, was a hobby.

But yesterday, yesterday I felt like a writer. I remember the exact moment.

I was standing in the post office. I had just asked to have my envelope visibly post-marked. For the first time in my life, I entered a writing competition.

The submission date was yesterday, and I wasn't sure I could work those 1200-1500 words in just a couple of days. But I took one of the unfinished stories and whittled away at words, to craft my piece of creative nonfiction.
The feeling of actually finishing a story was close to euphoric. That helped with the shift, for sure. It inspired me to want to do more, to spend all my time giving life to the rest of my narratives. I felt excited by the possibilities.

I printed it off and filled out the entry form. At the post office I turned my twenty-five dollars into a money order entry fee. At that moment, when the postal clerk asked "Who should I make it out to?" and I said CBC Nonfiction Prize, I felt a surge. It was like something was pushed into the right place.

At that moment, if anyone asked me what I do, I would have confidently said "I'm a writer".

frozen hearts

Oh what joy the Dollar Store can bring.

For instance, today I bought a package of acrylic hearts, took them out to a friend's place.  The pond had frozen over and he had cleared it for skating.

I don't skate.
But I do take pictures.

I tossed the hearts onto the surface.

The patterns in and under the ice were exquisite.
Sometimes the ice was blue, sometimes gray, depending on the angle.

I am quite happy with the results.

I might even say...

I heart them.

diversity or split personality disorder?

Diversify-

(Verb)

1. Make or become more diverse or varied.
2. (of a company) Enlarge or vary its range of products or field of operation.

In my line of work, I have found it necessary to diversify. It has enabled me to stay in the business and contribute in many ways. But it can also be a double edged sword.

Being diverse, able to do many jobs, can sometimes leave you with a feeling of having a split-personality disorder.
While it is good to have skills to tap into the well when other areas are dry,  it can make it difficult to focus when it comes to feeding your own creative soul.

My apartment looks like a clutter of unfinished projects.
Paintings, sketches, many scraps of paper with writing, musical instruments, a desk in desperate need of a clean-off...
I wander from room to room, wearing different hats. Sadly not one of them belongs to a housekeeper.

my apartment resembles my brain

Right now I am in writer mode.
Or at least, I'm trying to be.
There is a book of short stories pressing to be finished. 
Like a person with a split-personality disorder, I want all the alters to be quiet, and let this personality emerge. It is not easy to have this control. It comes and goes in fits of inspiration. But to take on the writer personality, I must think like one. Be one. Believe I am one. It's a small part to the process, but an important one nonetheless. And not as easy as it sounds, especially when all those other voices want to be heard.

Perhaps this diversifying has made me a bit afraid of labels and titles.
I feel  somehow fraudulent in saying I am a writer, simply because I do not write exclusively. True, I have published articles in magazines, newspapers and online, but claiming to be a writer seems to diminish those who have made it their life's work.

Writing has always been in me.
Since I could put pencil to scribbler, I had stories.
Verses, prose, commentary- I kept them all hidden, as the secretive Scorpio child that I was.
In high school, to combat my  record of skipping classes, my English teacher gave me the opportunity to make extra credit by turning in creative writing. The name Margaret Young will forever be held like a beacon of light in my eyes and heart and mind. I was blessed to have had her in the 10th and 12th grades.
She also introduced me to Sylvia Plath (my birthday-twin), Margaret Atwood, Margaret Lawrence, Leonard Cohen, Dylan Thomas (my other birthday twin), as well as the old guard, Shakespeare, Keats, Chaucer, Austin, Bronte.
Of reading and writing and 'rithmatic, reading and writing were never a problem.

Now I sit, trying to channel those who came before, those for whom writing became an obsession, an eaux de vie.
I focus on the keyboard and the screen, trying not to let my gaze wander over the the unfinished painting in the corner, or the folder of photographs that need to be edited or the emails that should be addressed.
I will not look at the clock and think of all the other things that should be done. Right now, I try to be less diverse.
I will think only of characters and word counts and a beginning, middle and ending.

After all, this is what writers do.
And I am a writer.

That's right. I said it.

making it up

The first time I was to do improvisation on stage, I panicked.

It was in high school, and we went to a play festival in another city. Our play was one we had written ourselves; a series of funny sketches that allowed everyone to take turns performing in, and supporting the show. One sketch was an empty slate. We were told by our teacher/director,  that it would be purely improvised, that just before the the show, he would single one of us out to start and end the scene.
I wanted to throw up. The thought of it made me ill.
I wasn't good at improv.

Even when we improvised in the classroom, I tried as hard as I could to avoid participating. Everyone was funnier, more entertaining than I, and I would just feel stupid. I couldn't believe actually wanted he wanted me to be the one to lead the scene.  Surely it would suck and I would ruin the show.
I begged. Pleaded. Cried. Couldn't breathe.
If this were a movie of the week from the 80's, he would have made me do the scene, I would have been brilliant and learn a valuable life lesson about believing in yourself.
However, the real story is, someone else was appointed the task and I could breathe again.

During the show, when the improv sketch was happening, I did not participate at all. I sat,  watching the guy who was chosen to lead, as he had the entire place in stitches. It was absolutely the right choice and perhaps even the highlight of the show.
I didn't regret not doing it.
But I did feel I had disappointed my teacher, for whom I had the greatest respect, and that I did regret.

Ironically, a great portion of my career has been based in improv and sketch comedy, yet I still fight the fear that I am not a funny person. I still struggle with the pressure of thinking that everything has to be funny.

Even as a child, I didn't like to do something if I couldn't do it well the first time. And even now,  if I know I can't be great the first time, then I like to observe and learn until I feel comfortable enough to present it. That, of course, is the antithesis of improvisation.
Recently I watched a lecture by John Cleese, on creativity, where he said, "Nothing will stop you as effectively as your fear of making a mistake".
Ain't that the truth.

thanks for the swanky chart, google guys

The first (and best) teacher to really break it all down was the director of a show in which I was cast.   He was a comedy writer, comedian, and could reduce a person to tears on a daily basis. At least he did that to me. I lost count of  how often and how close I came to quitting. On a daily basis.
There was a lot of improvisation during the days  and I dreaded each morning's rehearsal. It was a boot camp of improv and he really was a drill sergeant. He could fire a size 9 Florsheim shoe at you faster than you could block an offer. But I did not quit. Without knowing it, I learned.

Of course,  I didn't just learn skills that would help me on stage. What I learned could (and has been) be carried into life. It has helped me think on my feet, whether it is speaking in front of a group of people, or to someone on the phone.
Oddly enough, the art of "making it up" follows some hard and fast rules. The most important rules of improv can be applied to the way in which we live our lives, which of course, is the greatest form of improvisation there is, really.

Don't block.
This means to never say "no" to any idea. Saying no will completely stop action. Be open to offers, say yes. Or even "yes, but..." But never say no.

Take risks.
Fear is going to make you take the safer option. Sometimes that's not a bad thing.  Learn when to tell the difference.

Depend on the people you trust and know that if you falter, they will step up. You'll ever have to worry about losing your lines, or your way.
Know those you don't trust, and stay alert.

Don't act, React.
And move the action along.

Know when to take focus, but also know when to give it.
It's not always about you, sometimes you are better served and can serve better,  among the supporting cast.  When it is about you, step forward and shine like a young bride's diamond.

Be committed.
Own the decisions you make. Follow through.

Years ago, when I was ducking to avoid a flying shoe in rehearsals, it seemed to me that I was given a more difficult time of it than my other cast mates. Years later, as friends, I asked my shoe-throwing director why he was so hard on me.
"You had it," he told me. "You had it all along, and you just didn't see it.  I pushed you until you did."

And for this I am eternally grateful.

(Now)