good night sweet prince

just keepin' it real

Ike came to me 15 years ago.
I was on my way out the door to work on a shoot. It was 6 am so I almost didn't see the tiny ball of black fluff on my doorstep.

At first I didn't know what to do. I already had 2 cats. But I took him in and put him in the bathroom until I could get back home at the end of the day.

He loved me right away, but I had no intention of keeping him. I looked for a home but had no takers. In a couple of days I knew I was kidding myself. We were in love and he wasn't going anywhere.


Ike was the strong silent type.
He was a one-woman man.

But as we know, the things we love, we lose.
On December 22 he left me.

He was declining, probably with cancer, and I had to make the hardest decision I had ever made. But it was the last kindness I could show him.

Dr. Julia of the Atlantic Cat Hospital was wonderful. She came to my house so that Ike's last moments could be in his familiar surroundings. His last moments were spent in my arms as I told him how much I loved him.

How fortunate for me to have had this beautiful soul in my life for so long.

Good night Big Man.
I won't forget you.

Thanks for all the love and comfort you brought me.

the power of one

Tonight is crisp and clear. One of those true Autumn nights for sweaters, scarves and gloves; for walking through leaves and the wafting smell of woodsmoke. There is something in the air. More than the vibrancy of Fall. There is a buzz.
It has taken over social media, coffee shops, offices, grocery store line-ups.
It is the topic on the lips of many citizens.

It is election night in Canada.

The road to this night has been long- the longest in Canadian election history. It was a battle. We are tired and bloody. But we didn't sit in apathetic trenches, my friends. Oh no. We fucking fought back.
Somewhere, somehow, some time ago, Canadians had become apathetic to the democratic process. Some said it was the youth vote that was missing. Voter turn-outs have been dried to a mere trickle.
And we had a man in power that left us feeling powerless.
But the cry went out, and we didn't turn our heads back to the Blue Jays game. We stood and we voted.

I have never been so proud to be a Canadian.
I have never been so proud of us


For 10 years we had a Prime Minister who did great damage to our country.
Steven Harper brought out the worst in us. He played on our fears and turned us against ourselves. We became suspicious. We placed blame. But sadly, it didn't take much.

We lived the fairytale that had gone wrong.
As in all fairytales there is a smiling villain. And as all good-hearted villagers, we succumbed to the curse that turned us into mindless sleepwalkers. Of course we knew that things were wrong but the villain just turned his mouth up at the corners and ignored our protests. But as all villains, his downfall was his arrogance and he underestimated us.

And we stood up at the voting booths. And we are being heard.

Steve didn't count on the people he discounted, banding together. Each group he overlooked, deemed no threat, unimportant.. Aboriginals, women, Muslims, artists, students, the poor.. all united with a common goal.
A feeling emerged: Don't get mad, get Stephen.

And we did.

As I sit here watching election results there is a red surge- The Liberal Party is sweeping across the country. It's greater than any of us could imagine. A majority government.

Honestly, I would have preferred to see a minority government with an NDP opposition, but I'll take what we can get. One thing at a time.


There's a huge mess to clean up and I hope that Justin Trudeau can reverse some of the damage, from environmental to economic. But for now we can all just breathe in relief. The oppressive regime is dead. We the people have spoken.

We may be polite, we may be peaceful, but don't ever underestimate us.
Don't ever disregard The Power Of One.

once more with feeling

Best part of the whole weekend

One more ocean swim.

It might be the last one of the season so it is fitting that it is on Thanksgiving.

Thanks Ocean, you've been amazing, as always.

unplugged

I unplugged

This long holiday weekend was spent with no phone or social media or access to news of any kind.
I lived in my little holiday bubble.

At first it seemed so simple, but then I realized I was automatically going to check email. I did this frequently. I made a conscious effort to note how many times I went to check email. Or Twitter. Or Facebook.
Conclusion: A lot.

At first I turned off the computer, but then realized that I could accomplish some writing and cleaning out photo libraries, so I turned off the wifi instead.

Here's what I did in just 24 hours:

Read, wrote, edited and cleared out hundreds of photos, cleaned out the fridge, laundry, cooked, baked, walked, organized, threw out a chair, sorted clothes, started a box for the thrift store, watched a marathon of the old Bewitched series (that's right,  I own the series... don't judge), slept


How I feel:

Amazing, accomplished, rested, calm.



The plan was to turn on and tune in today, but I have to say, I'm actually reluctant to reconnect. I'm dragging it out, the way an addict pushes for one more hour of sobriety, the way a runner pushes herself to just one more mile. Or at least as I imagine, having never been an addict or a runner. While I do not run  (couldn't even run for a donut) I do marathons of social media every day. It's part of my work, and as with most of us, part of my life.


This self-imposed retreat has been good for me.
Although I am solitary by nature, being alone really isn't the same with the reach of those social tentacles.

Maybe I'll just give it another hour...


UPDATE..
Well I did turn on the phone eventually to 17 texts and my email blew up. But qu'elle suprise, nobody died.
It was worth every unplugged minute

giving thanks (thankfully) alone

I'm off people.

Nothing is wrong.
I'm not sad or blue. Or worse.
I am simply recharging.

Life can get so congested and clogged with people; with energy. Good, bad, negative, positive, it doesn't much matter. I find it all draining. And it is difficult to explain that without hurt feelings, misunderstanding and concern that it is something more.

It isn't.

I am an introvert.
Many people find that surprising because my work is so very social, my personality outgoing.
I work hard at it. It isn't fake, but sometimes it is forced.
Other introverts get it. It's not that we are anti social, but socializing drains us. Extroverted personalities seem to thrive on the company of others. Introverts like me, not so much.

I am an emotional sponge, absorbing the energies of those around me. Not in an airy-fairy way. Or maybe it is. I struggle to explain how exhausting I find it to be around others for long periods of time. It doesn't matter the person- someone close to me, someone I've just met. People I love.
It's not you, it's me. Conversation (especially small talk) is consuming. I develop Screaming Head. This is what happens inside while the outside smiles and nods and says "No!".. "Really?" "Interesting".. and whatever acceptable one-liners I can use to deflect. Inside I am screaming "Shut Up. Shut. Up. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. " with no mouth because the mouth is too busy smiling.

This weekend was to be spent in the company of life long friends I consider extended family.
I was looking forward to being in the old farmhouse, to taking drives and photographing but then extra cousins and girlfriends of cousins and sisters of girlfriends of cousins were also coming to share our Thanksgiving weekend.

So I bailed.
The dynamic of my restful weekend changed with this information. At first, I didn't react. But my body did.
Without realizing it, my stomach, which is the center where the truth sits in me, started to ache. I didn't pay much attention but it sat quietly twisting while I couldn't quite put my finger on it. At some point I realized I was anxious. I was sweating. It didn't take long to figure out why.
In the past I would have gone anyway, to avoid disappointing people and disrupting plans. But I would have spent a weekend being miserable on the inside, fighting panic and
Screaming Head would happen.


I've shut off the phone. I didn't shut off the computer, as I do want to catch up on some writing, but I am avoiding all Social Media and news.

It is about Self Care. It is about knowing that next week I return to a busy pace and the energies of many and that in order to do that, I need to do this.


I am Thankful.

I am thankful for solid people in my life who are accommodating even if they don't quite get it, who try not to take it personally and respect my boundaries.

I am thankful for liking my own company, for needing to be alone and listening to my gut.

I am thankful for overcast, windy Autumn Sundays, for CBC Classical stations, for puttering around the house and for the smell of my own little Thanksgiving dinner roasting in the oven. For multicoloured carrots and squash and apples and all the other products of the Harvest.

too bad the internets hasn't figured out scratch n sniff yet..

And I'm thankful for world that still wants me in it, even though I withdraw so often.

mermaid's melancholy

I wish I could explain it.
Obsession. Addiction.
That's probably how others see it.

I wish I could explain how it makes me feel.
How fundamental it is to my well-being.
To my being well.

It has been said that there are those who are born with the salt water in their veins and it circulates in a briny course that pumps straight to the heart.
Without it they would die.

I believe this to be true.

When I was a child, nothing calmed me like the ocean. As an adult it is the same.

To take that first plunge, to feel the water surround and support every part of me, it is like exhaling after holding your breath for a very long time.

I am weightless. I belong to something.

So it is hard at this time of year, knowing each swim, each visit to the beach could be my last for the season.  It makes me edgy, uneasy. I am in denial. Panic rises like the tide.

But not today. Today there is reprieve. The air has cooled but the water is still warm (ish).


Today I can swim.

summer lovin'

Life has handed me a glorious opportunity this year.
I have been able to take the summer off.

There were a couple of days here and there to which I had committed but for the most part, me and the Summer were gonna make out in the tall grass. We were gonna frolic in the sand, exchange salty kisses in the ocean.

Winter was like a bad long-term relationship and once we finally broke up, I flirted with Spring, but really, Spring is just a fling... but Summer.. oh we had something special.
We had plans.

It couldn't have been simpler . There were only 2 things on the list:

1. Swim

2. Write


I swam

1 out of 2 ain't bad.


Sorry, Unfinished Novel, perhaps you and I will snuggle when it gets a bit cooler.  But Summer and I still have a lot of hot dates.