giving thanks (thankfully) alone

I'm off people.

Nothing is wrong.
I'm not sad or blue. Or worse.
I am simply recharging.

Life can get so congested and clogged with people; with energy. Good, bad, negative, positive, it doesn't much matter. I find it all draining. And it is difficult to explain that without hurt feelings, misunderstanding and concern that it is something more.

It isn't.

I am an introvert.
Many people find that surprising because my work is so very social, my personality outgoing.
I work hard at it. It isn't fake, but sometimes it is forced.
Other introverts get it. It's not that we are anti social, but socializing drains us. Extroverted personalities seem to thrive on the company of others. Introverts like me, not so much.

I am an emotional sponge, absorbing the energies of those around me. Not in an airy-fairy way. Or maybe it is. I struggle to explain how exhausting I find it to be around others for long periods of time. It doesn't matter the person- someone close to me, someone I've just met. People I love.
It's not you, it's me. Conversation (especially small talk) is consuming. I develop Screaming Head. This is what happens inside while the outside smiles and nods and says "No!".. "Really?" "Interesting".. and whatever acceptable one-liners I can use to deflect. Inside I am screaming "Shut Up. Shut. Up. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. " with no mouth because the mouth is too busy smiling.

This weekend was to be spent in the company of life long friends I consider extended family.
I was looking forward to being in the old farmhouse, to taking drives and photographing but then extra cousins and girlfriends of cousins and sisters of girlfriends of cousins were also coming to share our Thanksgiving weekend.

So I bailed.
The dynamic of my restful weekend changed with this information. At first, I didn't react. But my body did.
Without realizing it, my stomach, which is the center where the truth sits in me, started to ache. I didn't pay much attention but it sat quietly twisting while I couldn't quite put my finger on it. At some point I realized I was anxious. I was sweating. It didn't take long to figure out why.
In the past I would have gone anyway, to avoid disappointing people and disrupting plans. But I would have spent a weekend being miserable on the inside, fighting panic and
Screaming Head would happen.


I've shut off the phone. I didn't shut off the computer, as I do want to catch up on some writing, but I am avoiding all Social Media and news.

It is about Self Care. It is about knowing that next week I return to a busy pace and the energies of many and that in order to do that, I need to do this.


I am Thankful.

I am thankful for solid people in my life who are accommodating even if they don't quite get it, who try not to take it personally and respect my boundaries.

I am thankful for liking my own company, for needing to be alone and listening to my gut.

I am thankful for overcast, windy Autumn Sundays, for CBC Classical stations, for puttering around the house and for the smell of my own little Thanksgiving dinner roasting in the oven. For multicoloured carrots and squash and apples and all the other products of the Harvest.

too bad the internets hasn't figured out scratch n sniff yet..

And I'm thankful for world that still wants me in it, even though I withdraw so often.

the autumn leaves drift by my window

The trees are nearly bare now.
There are a few patches of leaves that hang on still, but one more rain or wind storm will see them on the ground.

Nova Scotia is blessed with a glorious Autumn season.
And I was blessed to be able to spend some wonderful afternoons trying to capture it.

The Old Burying Grounds

City or shoreline, this province is a photographer's dream in any season. But the Fall seems to splatter color everywhere. It is vibrant and alive.

the clock tower on Citadel Hill, overlooking Halifax Harbour

one of the paths in Halifax Public Gardens

In the centre of the city there grows a beautiful Victorian garden. It's one of my favorite places to visit and spend time, and I have taken many photo's there, in every season.

I find the best way to explore and to see things in a different way, is through the lens of a camera. Since I was a child, I saw everything in snapshots,
Now I get to share them.

All Hallows

Of course I love this time of year.

The air is cool and crisp, the colours are amazing,
And, there is..

Hallowen!

here comes the rain again

The rain has come.

The air has cooled and the rain falls so hard that it is difficult to hear the thunder.
It is a watery symphony; percussive and persuasive.

For me, there has always been an attraction to thunder and lightning. I find it exciting and comforting at the same time; alive and calm.

I am torn between wanting to snuggle in my bed and let it lull me to soft sleep, or to run outside and let it pour down on me. There is something so cleansing about it, physically and emotionally, like a very good cry.

There is actually a sweetness to the air.  It rests on the sides of your tongue as you breathe it in, allowing you to taste as you smell, or smell as you taste. Or smaste.
It is the freshest of the freshest air and it is glorious.

*******************************************************************************

The rain has softened. It still falls, but it is quiet and soothing. Still constant. Less urgent. Still hypnotic. Sometimes it increases and then pulls back again, like a sensual lover, leading and releasing. There are no further signs of lightening, all is peaceful.
This definitely tips the scales in favour of enjoying it through the open window,  from my bed.

Good night rain.
I hope you are still there when I wake.

falling into fall

Fall is almost in the air.
It is barely a whisper in the window,
but it is there, with a light breath

It is that beautiful in-between season, in between times;
like the end of night and the beginning of day,
sun and moon both sharing the sky,
waking and retiring
smiling good morning
blinking good night

I took this shot on Thanksgiving weekend 2011 at Conrad Beach, Nova Scotia

It is the air  that whispers in my window in the morning,
in between wake and sleep,
exhaling that memory of time to get up for school

It is not yet Fall, yet barely still summer.
And it is both seasons at once.

Not quite that crisp definite autumn with sweaters and pumpkin spice latte's..
nor that hot lazy summer with sundresses and big hats.

But the air has cooled and the ocean has warmed, and pumpkins have begun to appear in markets, tumbling orange

It breathes a reminder to squeeze every last drop out of summer